Phriday Phunnies

[Smokin' Joe]

:D


There were three men.....

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand." So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

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"SUPPLIES!!!!" JJ

[Smokin' Joe]

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

:eek:

[Smokin' Joe]

A blonde had a flat tire on the interstate, so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To her surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind her. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
"My car has a flat tire", she said calmly. "Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
She couldn't believe that he didn't know. So she told him,


"Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers." :cool:

[mattman]

need me some water that was DRY humor

[DGJesús]

DG Jesús, Smokin' Joe, Lou and SueMac were hanging out at Moffitt and planning an upcoming disc golf tournament. Unfortunately, DG Jesús had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, DG Jesús headed home frustrated.

The following week when DG Jesús' buddies arrived at the course to start warming up, they were shocked to see DG Jesús. He already had his cart setup, he had thrown a couple of discs, he had some cold ones iced down and he was sitting on the tailgate smoking a cigar.

"How did you talk the old lady in letting you play, asked Lou (wearing a dress)?"

"I didn't have to," replied DG Jesús. Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go to the tournament. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!" :D

[Smokin' Joe]

:D

well hopefully you soaked it in cider first! :p

[Smokin' Joe]

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking? 'she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, I did it for four reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital. :eek:

[Smokin' Joe]

My Dixie wrecked

[Smokin' Joe]

http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_woods_defense/?xrs=eml_121709

:cool:

[Smokin' Joe]

Sign at Golf Course in England :D


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4.. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

:eek:

[hfds006]

You remember Buckwheat from the Little Rascals?
http://www.epitomeofnothing.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/buckwheat.jpg
He just converted to Islam. As is custom he also adopted a Muslim name.
From now on he will be known as Kareem of Wheat. :D

[Smokin' Joe]

Matt Hall sighting on PDGA main page in the video. Shows him throwing and even an interview. Didn't know you were from Ace, Texas! :cool:

[ERicJ]

If you don't take your sport too seriously this is kinda funny:
http://www.thatsportsshow.com/?p=112

[Smokin' Joe]

If you don't take your sport too seriously this is kinda funny:
http://www.thatsportsshow.com/?p=112

Well surprise, surprise. I guess I do take it seriously cuz I want to throw my driver upside his head! :p

[Smokin' Joe]

The Frozen Skunk

:D



A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She says.

"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there"

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover; but the
Frozen skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

[FlyinBryan]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is bang on the door. He turns over and looks at his alarm clock, and it's four in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time at 4am," he thinks to himself, and puts his head back down on the pillow. Then, a louder bang follows.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?" asks his wife.
So he pulls himself out of bed and walks down the stairs. He opens up the door and there is man standing on the porch.
It was plain to see the man was drunk.
"Hello," slurs the man outside. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, go away. It's four in the morning. I was in bed asleep," said the man and slams the door shut.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the rain on the way to my mothers and you had to knock on some man's house to get our car started again? What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost??"
"But this guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter if he's drunk," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do."
So the husband gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes back down the stairs.
He opens up the door, and he can't see the stranger anywhere so he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
And he hears a voice say, "Yes, please."
He still can't see the stranger so he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger responds, "I'm over here, on the swing."

[ThePatrick]

This is how Japan disc golf earned the name "hero" disc golf:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG1G5nYIMrM&sns=em

[ERicJ]

This is how Japan disc golf earned the name "hero" disc golf:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG1G5nYIMrM&sns=em
Apparently Japan makes the world's most concave frozen pizzas.

[ThePatrick]

Apparently Japan makes the world's most concave frozen pizzas.

I watched it on my phone, didn't really cach it till the last one.

[Smokin' Joe]

D@MN! :eek:


http://bangordailynews.com/2012/07/09/news/police-beat/police-naked-brunswick-man-who-caused-disturbance-found-in-bottom-of-portable-toilet/?ref=polbeat